October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. This is a time to ask, “what is my understanding of domestic violence (DV)?” and “is there something new to learn about it that could help benefit myself or my community?”
Oftentimes, the way we understand particular issues in society change over time. Because of the forces of political change and activism, such as women’s rights, civil rights, and other social movements, different generations often have different understandings about such issues.
One of the ways we can check in about our knowledge is by noting the assumptions we have about an issue. These assumptions often tie into common myths that circulate in society or common ways we think about those experiencing the problem.
For example, one of the most common things many of us hear regarding DV is: “Why do victims stay in relationships like that? I would never put up with that.”
Notice that this question implies judgment of the victim. The statement is implying that maybe the victim is not smart enough or self-respecting enough to leave. Let’s break this down.
We understand today that DV rarely starts from the beginning of a relationship. Most of the time it develops slowly, gradually growing worse in a way that is hard to put a finger on. It may be very subtle at first and then escalate into physical violence. Have you heard of the “boiling the frog” phenomenon? The phrase refers to a belief that if you put a frog in a pot of water and turn the heat up really slowly that the frog won’t notice until it’s too late. It doesn’t notice the heat because it is being raised so slowly whereas if you put a frog in water that was already hot it would jump right out. The point is that when something negative sneaks in gradually, a little bit at a time, it’s a lot harder to notice. We can talk ourselves out of it or be told that we’re imagining it (that’s what we call gaslighting). On the contrary, if someone is abusive from day one (just like the pot of hot water) it is much easier to spot. Sure, we can say, “I wouldn’t put up with that” when we can clearly see abusive or when we don’t have any investment in a person yet.
And that’s another important aspect: once a person is in love and bonded, they are more likely to put up with mean comments, criticism, abuse and violence. They might even talk themselves out of it being a problem because they love that person and cannot imagine leaving. When there is love and deep bonding between the couple – especially if children are involved – the victim may really want to “stick it out,” be loyal, and trust that the offender will change. The offender may even say sorry and promise it won’t happen again. In addition, there is often so much to lose. Victims may worry about their safety and their children’s safety. Or they may not be financially independent, with nowhere to go.
Sometimes victims stay because they don’t realize that the way they are being treated constitutes abuse. By today’s definition, DV doesn’t only mean physical violence. Broadly, it is defined by one partner trying to gain control and maintain power over the other, through various means including but not limited to verbal or physical manipulation and injury. If a victim thinks that DV means being hit, they may not realize the severity of the situation. And, if the person has watched such abuse between parents or relatives, they may simply not know that they deserve better or that a better situation is even possible.
Another way to think about this is to consider how many people (maybe even yourself) stay in a job that they really dislike or where they don’t feel appreciated or are even abused. A lot of people can relate to that – to all the complications and complexity like needing to be able to pay the bills or hoping it will get better. Sometimes we tell ourselves to be brave, loyal, stick it out, be tough, or because there are too many other things in life that depend on it. There are times in life when we justify something downright negative. This is a normal human condition because life isn’t black and white.
If you or someone you know is struggling or suffering from DV or is a DV survivor, there is help, support, and safety. Please don’t hesitate to take action. It could save a life.
Alternative Horizons based in Durango serves all of La Plata County with culturally appropriate services for AI / AN and LGBTQIA+ individuals. Their dedicated 24/7 hotline number is 970-247-9619. Another culturally oriented resource to know about is the National Indigenous Women’s Resource Center (NIWRC). They have an online DV Awareness month hub you can find by searching or, if you are reading the e-edition, here is the link: Domestic Violence Awareness Month | NIWRC
You can also call the national DV hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
Here’s to your good health!
It’s okay not to feel okay
If you or someone you know has been struggling with their emotions, behaviors, or substance use please reach out to us. We can help you find appropriate tools and services that could help you overcome obstacles in your life. We are here for you. Please contact the Southern Ute Behavioral Health Division at 970-563-5700 for more information or to set up an appointment to see a counselor or therapist.
Reminder: If you need to talk to someone, please reach out.
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